The Trojan War
To celebrate the wedding of Peleus and Thetis, Zeus prepared for a banquet of olympian proportions to be held in the Halls of Mount Olympus. As Peleus was a mortal king, and Thetis was a minor sea goddess (although to this story, they are merely mr. and mrs. Plotdevice), both mortals and gods were invited to the feast.
The only goddess not receiving an invitation was Eris, the goddess of Strife, Confusion and Chaos. Fearing her reputation as a troublemaker, Zeus made sure he 'accidentally' lost the envelope with Eris' name on it, planning to blame Hermes (the messenger god) for 'that darn postal service' should Eris find out. Quite why Zeus had less qualms about inviting the Death god Hades and the War god Ares to the festivities will probably always remain a mystery.
Of course, Eris did find out about the party. It is, after all, quite hard to keep a giant hall filled with drunk, roaring gods and mortals a secret for long. Understandably a bit miffed, Eris travelled to the halls of Olympus. With a smile that made even Hades wish he'd brought a clean set of underwear, Eris rolled an apple of purest gold into the banquet hall. Inscribed on the apple was 'kallisti', which means 'to the fairest'. Eris turned, and left to get herself a hotdog.
Reading the inscription on the apple, three goddesses claimed it for themselves. Each thought that she was the fairest, most beautiful goddess present and as such deserved to have the prize. After a bit of a shouting match the three goddesses - Hera, Aphrodite and Athena - agreed that Zeus should decide who was the fairest and thus deserved the apple. Faced with having to choose between Hera - his wife, and Aphrodite and Athena - two of his daughters, Zeus knew he'd be in trouble no matter what. As none of the other guests present were eager to make the choice and have the wrath of the two spurned goddesses fall upon them, Zeus decreed that the mortal shepherd Paris would make the final choice.
Now Paris was actually a prince of Troy, exciled at birth because he was prophesised to be the doom of the city (see Paris and die). At the time of our story, he was simply minding his own business as a shepherd.
All this changed when the three goddesses decided to level the playing field a bit and went in to offer Paris bribes in return for voting in their favour. Hera offered Paris power and filled his mind with visions of marching armies. Athena offered him wisdom, and filled his mind with visions of the kindom he would rule. Aphrodite offered him the love of the most beautiful woman on earth, and filled his head with things that are unsuitable for prime time television. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite's bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed.
With the help of Aphrodite, Paris won the heart of Helen - the most beautiful woman alive. Despite the fact that they were both already married (Helen to a king of Sparta, Paris to a mythological creature - the ancient Greeks had very confused bloodlines), Paris took Helen to Troy, pissing off her husband -King Menealus- royally. Menealus rallied an army, and laid siege to Troy. Ten years, a wooden horse and the death of many heroes later, Troy was taken and razed to the ground. Nice one, Paris.
This is the true story behind the Trojan War - though some people seem to find the hotdog bit rather hard to believe. True enough, no Ancient Greek hotdog stands have ever been found, although being a goddess and all, it's not altogether unlikely Eris simply invented hotdogs there and then so she could go out and get one.
Donned my mask at 4:46 PM
